Wednesday April 13, 2005

Ticket Clinic

[Contributed by Steve Klotz]

Steve Klotz and his rare 1986 Toyota Corolla GTS

Ladies/Gentlemen/Lawyers:

Thanks for representing me in Traffic Court. Once more I emerge unscathed – no record, no fine, just your reasonable fees. A small price for freedom and piece of mind, right? I am convinced that the only way to avoid tickets here in the Banana Republic of South Florida (BRSF) is to stop driving altogether, but without a functional public transportation system, this alternative is not viable. Therefore, you, the Ticket Clinic and your assorted offshot ilk, you’re the real public servants, genuine heroes, and I thank you.

Insofar as your financial well-being is of interest to me, may I offer a pair of suggestions?

First, consider “brand loyalty.” In a competitive market like BRSF – ever count the attorneys in the phone book specializing just in traffic infractions? You might investigate ways to keep your repeat customers repeating. How about a Frequent Violator Program? The third violation within a 12-month period earns a significant discount, or the violator can choose to accumulate 2 more and the 5th one is Free. Not just a rewards program, but built-in incentives, too!

No? Then how about a series of rewards: In increments of 3, violators achieve gift levels we can either cash in for prizes or hold for even better, more valuable premiums. Maybe on the third violation, we earn free cellular telephone minutes; on the sixth a free cellular phone – for obvious reasons, encourage us to use these while driving. Maybe when we hit 10, we earn a lap dance at an emporium known for its police clientele. so we can celebrate with friends and acquaintances, and thank them for making the good times roll.

Second, with my official notice of purchased innocence you sent me a nifty themed refrigerator magnet, complete with phone number. Thanks, but let’s be practical—what about a bumper sticker or a windshield decal? You could emboss it with our assigned Frequent Violator numbers.

That way traffic cops recognize a sophisticated offender, and skip the usual law-and-order-responsible-driver-safe-streets blah blah urk urk oogah oogah bullshit with which they bore us to tears before handing us the illegible paperwork. It also means that when the cop finally roars off on his fund raising mission we can waste no time placing our calls to you, provide our personalized Frequent Violator Number (FVN) and get the legal process rolling. “When the cop’s on your tail, put the check in the mail.”

Just some thoughts from a loyal customer and stakeholder. Please drive carefully, but drive often, right?

Thank you.

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  1. Cowboy Bud Wizer    Thu Apr 14, 11:56 PM #  

    God Bless them ticket fixer clinic boys and thank y’all at Critical Miami for finally givin em the reconizin and credit them boys deserve. Them fellas help more folks out in our fair state of Floorduh than our food stores do with water and candles durin a hurricane!They ain’t seasonal neither. Hal-lay-lew-yah Juh-eee-zus.They’s like kin, y’all and don’t you never fuhget it neither.From Lake Worthless to Miama ya gotta love em’.Thems real nice pictures y’all got there of big purty building and mad white fella in the good black car.

  2. GlennK    Fri Apr 15, 11:55 AM #  

    U look like a kind of shady character to me but in the Banana-republican state of Fla. that’s actually a poitive especially with a guy like Jeb Bu$hit as Gov. Goodluck with your new site. If your real lucky you’ll have your site visited by military intelligence at the penatgon like mine is daily. Isn’t it nice knowing your Gov’t cares? Isn’t Fascisim fun?