Thursday December 8, 2005
[Contributed by Steve Klotz]
The passenger’s name was Rigoberto Alpizar, and reportedly the last thing he did was reach towards the backpack he claimed contained a bomb. Air Marshals shot him dead: the very first fatal shooting by an Air Marshal.
“We’re very proud of our trained agents,” stated “Smitty” Wesson, spokesman for the Federal Air Marshal Program in Washington, D.C. “And of course, we’re simply thrilled that this historic event occurred in Miami International. What better venue could there be?
“Air Marshals are on the front line of the War on Terrorism,” he continued. “This action demonstrates that our agents are prepared to protect the American people and visitors to our shores from the bad guys out there who plot to take us down.”
Reporters pointed out that not only hadn’t a bomb been discovered, but the perpetrator’s behavior was attributed to his unmedicated bipolar condition.
“Irrelevant,” responded Wesson, tersely. “Besides, he won’t be needing his medication any longer now that we gave him his shots.”
But he wasn’t a terrorist. He was delusional. He needed a butterfly net, not 5 slugs in his ribcage. Marshals may have acted properly, but what you have here is a tragedy, not a cause for celebration.
“That’s pussy talk,” snapped Wesson. “If you act like a terrorist, and talk like a terrorist, have a funny accent, and look even vaguely swarthy and/or hairy, you’re a terrorist. That’s how we train our agents, and goddam if they didn’t come through this time. Ask the people on that flight and in that terminal if they think this guy wasn’t a terrorist. Damn betcha they’re happy the sonofabitch is carpet-crumple.”
The agents were not identified, of course, but Marshal Wesson noted that commendations would be placed in their files. “And we’re drafting a formal proclamation expressing acknowledgments to Miami International Airport for hosting this historic occasion,” he announced. “Another first! Miami should be very proud of itself. The whole world was watching, and once more the city’s reputation is the talk of nations.”comments powered by Disqus