Wednesday July 13, 2005

You Can Learn to Drive: Part 2

With the recent lane-signal law change, this seemed like a good time for more driving tips.

1. Signal your lane changes. Please? OK, fine. But at least don’t cut people off. Some of us are constantly running late, and we’re trying to hurry. If you’re on I-95, don’t be in the left lane if you can maintain your same speed in one of the other lanes. The left lane is for passing, or going fast. Note that the new minimum speed limit on interstates is about to become 50mph, so clearly you do not belong in the left lane if you’re going 55.

2. Some fast food places, and other places, have dedicated ‘entrance’ and ‘exit’ lanes. Please heed these, otherwise Tom, from the Grapevine, might have to kick your ass.

3. Speaking of parking lots, we all have to get along. If you’re walking through a parking lot, don’t walk where you’ll unnecessarily inconvenience traffic. (That means, walk perpendicular to the sidewalk, not diagonally!)

4. On the other hand, if you’re driving, give pedestrians a break. In the rain, pedestrians always get the right of way.

5. It is acceptable for cars to cut off SUV’s. It is not acceptable for SUV’s to cut off cars. (If you drive an SUV, keep in mind that cars behind you are in an inherently dangerous position.) It is acceptable for anyone to cut off taxis and limo drivers.

6. Highway debris kills people. If you see a truck with crap that’s about to fall off, call *FHP and report them (hell yes, get on your cell phone, dangerous as that is, you’re saving lives).

[Previously, Part 1 ]

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  1. Franklin    Thu Jul 14, 09:05 AM #  

    #1: American citizenship ought to be contingent on the use of turn signals. Even if you were born here. The whole idea of citizenship implies respect for other citizens and recognition that all of us are equal under the law; not using your turn signals implies that only you matter and everybody else can go to hell. The left lane should be for passing, but our city’s architects, in their infinite wisdom, designed exits off of the left at many points on 95 et al., making this ideal dangerous if not impossible until you get to Broward.

    #5: It is acceptable to cut off anyone in any vehicle who, in response to using your turn signals to indicate a lane change, speeds up to prevent you from getting in front of them. These people have weighed the possibility of making the roads safer, less stressful, and more courteous against the possibility of getting to their destination 38 nanoseconds earlier and preventing their manhood from become diminished, and have decided in favor of the latter. Such people should not be allowed to own cars.

    Addendum: Unless you have a protected left turn designated by a left-pointing green arrow, you are obliged by law to yield the right of way to oncoming traffic. If you feel yourself to be an exception, your manhood is beyond saving.

    Miami driving provides much fodder for amusement, but we have a serious, life-threatenting problem down here. Two days ago I was driving into an intersection with a green light my way, On Coral Way and 25 Road, and two cars ran the red light going opposite directions on Coral Way. Car #1 blazed in front of me. Car #2, going northbound, had to swerve in order to avoid plowing into law-abiding traffic on 25 Rd., putting it into the middle of the intersection. If it weren’t for those big banyan-shaded medians on Coral Way it would have smacked into stopped southbound cars. Later that afternoon, going through that same intersection, someone violating the above addendum nearly hit me. Now I just don’t drive that way.

    Behavior on the Miami roads has worsened over the last several years, turning the merging of two lanes into a game of chicken, and making a stupid little trip to the grocery store an exercise in cost-benefit analysis. We could live in paradise down here; the driving is one of the reasons we don’t.

  2. George    Thu Jul 14, 01:11 PM #  

    The above poster is retarded.
    ”#1: American citizenship ought to be contingent on the use of turn signals” HUH?

    Anyways, I thought miami drivers were bad with all the left lane hogging and all, until I drove on I95 around the time when work lets out. Talk about rednecks going 30mph in their rusty pickups on the left lane.
    Left lane hogging is definitely a product of low IQ.

  3. Miami Harold    Thu Jul 14, 03:52 PM #  

    The worst drivers on the roads here in south Florida
    aren’t necessarily old, young, redneck, or stupid.
    They’re dead.
    They keel over someplace up north,
    where they haven’t driven a car for years
    (believe it or not, northern cities actually have
    functioning public transportation systems).
    Ten years later, when they resurface in Florida to haunt a condo,
    they buy their first car since the Eisenhower era
    and hit the roads at full crawl.
    You’ve seen ‘em: slack-jawed creatures,
    eyes wide with fear and indecision,
    death grip on the wheel like cholesterol on an artery.
    They sit frozen at green lights
    and paralyzed in left lanes;
    oblivious to waved fists, car horns, and pointed fingers.
    They don’t give a shit about other drivers
    because the dead care nothing for the living.
    South Florida is the land of the dead,
    and our roads are the highways to hell.

  4. Chad Harris    Thu Jul 14, 10:56 PM #  

    Whoa, what’s with the dark poetry in above comment?

    Also, you should ALWAYS give pedestrians the right of way, they’re PEDESTRIANS. If there were more of us, maybe this would be a real city – rather than a federation of scattered strip malls.

  5. Dickhead    Fri Jul 15, 01:40 AM #  

    Wow, signs of intelligent life in this city?

  6. DUECIFER    Fri Jul 15, 05:41 AM #  

    HIALEAH. needs to meet my friend GENOCIDE. yay, no more late to work.

    & franklin, if you want to get published, dont just give you books away for free.

    george…rednecks?miami? you at a dolphins game? with the amount of w-qba and el sol bumper stickers im eyeing im thinking youre posting from miami ohio.

    Crawl, creatures, pointed fingers, hell? Uh thanks harold. i think your manager at starbucks should see this. then he’d love you for who you really are.

    Hey chad thanks again for posting, now i wont have as many dents on my hood.

    dickhead. only smart person here. besides myself. of course.

  7. Tanya Hyde    Fri Jul 15, 03:05 PM #  

    Spotted a bumper sticker: So Many Pedestrians….So Little Time. People in Miami think “pedestrian” means “child molester.”