Sunday December 10, 2006

Confirmed: Miami clubs are assholes

District crowd

Okay, not really. I get it — when you have a room with a maximum occupancy of 500, and 5,000 kids wanting to get in, there are certain things you need to do — you actually have to start charging cover, and you almost also have to start playing games with people. You’re cool enough to get in — you’re not.

We’ve all expected this from South Beach clubs for over a decade: you can be a celebrity, have major cash to spread around, or look completely fabulous; preferably two of the above. For awhile, the downtown clubs were a refreshing alternative — places that dispensed with the bullshit, and were hipper, too.

My recent experiences with the District and PS14 indicate that this particular era has come to a close. They’re both still cool enough places to hang out (bettered only by the divine Studio A), but it’s undeniable that SoBe rules now apply. I was made vividly aware of that this weekend.

The District
While at the MoCA warehouse on Saturday night, a guy from the District came up to me and my friends, handing out wristbands for free admission to the club, until 12:30. No particular interest in going to the District that night, but I took one anyway. I figured I could pop in on the way to PS14. Anyway, I dropped in on the District around 12:10. A big crowd was outside, and I maneuvered my way to the one bouncer, who told me I needed to go to the other bouncer, who . . . let me in! — to see the girl at the register. I showed her the wristband, and she told me the time for the free entry was over, and it’d be $10. I told her it was supposed to be until 12:30; she checked her PDA and said it was 12:35. I thanked her very much and got the fuck out of there. When I got out of the crowd, I checked the time on my celly: 12:31.

PS14
For whatever reason, this was my second time being told I’d “be on the list.” Plus, other people told me that good shit (not even counting the New York Dolls) was happening at PS14 on Saturday. So I get there, and I actually have a business card with my name printed on it, which I hand to the door guy. He doesn’t have me on his lists. Fool me once, shame on you (oh right — a couple of months ago I was supposed to be on the list at PS14 and wasn’t. That time, I cheerfully paid the cover and had a great time), but fool me twice? Not fucking likely. I got the hell out of there without even asking what the cover was.

Another thing. Last time I was at either of these places, the standard price for, say, a shot of Jameson’s, was $8. Now, a 1.75 liter bottle of the stuff sells for $32, give or take, at most liquor stores (some have it for less). At that price, a shot (0.0443602945 liters ) is worth about $.80. So the price is a 10x markup. A 1,000% markup. A crazy fucking markup. Since I tend to go through a number of these drinks, I actually would be a good bet to be let in anyway.

But the moral is simple: Go out. Have a good time. And if someone offers to get you in for free, be very skeptical. Just be glad you can pay your cover and get in at all.

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  1. Jonathan    Sun Dec 10, 12:29 PM #  

    Alesh, you are a cynical, cynical man. The clubs are no doubt concerned that you would corrupt our youth with your bad attitude. Maybe you should lighten up a bit. Offer the bouncer some home made humus. Carry cards that promise the bearer a free look at your blog. Ask young women waiting in line if their abuelas know where they are. Be thankful the shots cost $8 and not $800. It’s all about how you look at things, compadre. Most clubs owners are kindly people who really do have our best interests at heart.



  2. Duran    Sun Dec 10, 01:09 PM #  

    Don’t worry Alesh, Poplife was ehhh. Nothing special. I wish they would have taken the Andy Warhol/Pop Art theme a lot further. I didn’t go to PS14 but I did end up going to Pawn Shop. I can’t stand the house music in Aquabooty booty, but the main room was you’r usually Top 40 fare, but by 3 a.m. the DJ gets more daring and plays a lot more indie, rock, electronic, etc.

    Oh and by the way, my friends went there a couple of weeks ago, and they were in line at the District and they get to the girl at the register at 12:01, even though they had just gotten their wristbands and she refused to let them in for free. They tore the wristbands and threw it on the floor in front of her and walked out. Hahaha. She is like door Nazi.



  3. Gus    Mon Dec 11, 07:26 AM #  

    $8 for a shot of Jameson sounds like a good deal. I’d expect to pay $14 a shot of Jameson in the restaurants and clubs in South Beach.



  4. that guy    Mon Dec 11, 09:27 AM #  

    Who are they kidding? Both places are dumps that’d probably be shut by Code Enforcement if that department had time to go around those parts. The District is a joke and PS14 looks like my mom’s basement.

    It’s not like they’re protecting anything “special”. Good on you for not patronizing those joints the past evening.



  5. alesh    Mon Dec 11, 09:49 AM #  

    Oh, I don’t know. I still like them. I was just bugged by these particular incidents.



  6. that guy    Mon Dec 11, 11:41 AM #  

    Oh totally, there’s a certain charm to the joints, I just think it’s totally out of whack for those places to have their doorstaff acting like it’s Moka├» or something.



  7. Tere    Mon Dec 11, 08:16 PM #  

    Ben was at the District at the same time!



  8. enh    Mon Dec 11, 11:21 PM #  

    Someone told me once that when bars purchase alcohol they can just do it from the liquor store they have to buy it from the State at about double what we pay for it a a liquor store. Can anyone confirm this?



  9. meth    Mon Dec 11, 11:28 PM #  

    Can we cum in their assholes!



  10. that guy    Tue Dec 12, 01:51 AM #  

    Clubs cannot legally purchase from a liquor store. Metropolis got nailed doing this before they shut down for their name change.

    Clubs and any holder of a Florida liquor license has to buy from a liquor wholesaler such as Premiere or Southern. In other words, they get it cheaper.



  11. John    Tue Dec 12, 10:52 AM #  

    Yeah, the district used to be sweet, now it takes itself WAY too seriously.

    Alesh, no offense, but Studio A? Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, you’ll be lucky if you don’t get robbed/raped/backrubbed by all the raver kids in the neighborhood. But more specifically…

    We were there watching a buddies band, I was on the list. After they were done playing and the lights came on, the “friendly” studio A staff came around.

    Dude: “You gotta leave now.”

    Me: “I’m with the band. I’m on the list.”

    Dude: “Which band?”

    Me: “Them.” (Point to my buddy’s band).

    Dude: “Yeah, but they’re done. Other people want to see the next band.”

    Me: “So you’re saying I need to actually walk outside, stand in line, and pay to come back in to stand in this same spot?!”

    Dude: “Yes.”

    Needless to say, I fucking left. Again, they cleared the club so that they could make a whole new group of people pay for the next band. How fucking lame…

    PS-The district is fucking racist. Ask your black friends…



  12. re: john    Tue Dec 12, 12:00 PM #  

    re: john, stop telling that tired studio a story. gosh.

    studio a hasn’t had a good show in a long time.

    everybody downtown takes themselves way too seriously. all the rock kids act like the south beach zombies they used to make fun of, probably because most of them are related.



  13. suck my left nut    Tue Dec 12, 02:34 PM #  

    Uh, this is a different post, some new readers may not have read the old one, thought it was relevant. You must be a real winner though, remembering a single post from some time ago.

    Since it’s not downtown or south beach, homes, why don’t you tell us where a cool guy like you parties?



  14. suck my dirty asshole john    Tue Dec 12, 02:47 PM #  

    i live in fort lauderdale and commute to miami on occassion. i’ve read your “they told me to leave, wah” post at least 3x on here. if i’m a winner, you are a loser. i’ll bite your nut in half, how about that.



  15. As long as you're on my nuts    Tue Dec 12, 03:54 PM #  

    3 times?! This is the second time dipshit. Please link to all three, since you seem to have the time to do so.

    Stay on lauderdale, we don’t want you. Or better yet, hang out with the cool folks at studio a…

    wah, wah, wah



  16. tgrizz    Tue Dec 12, 05:24 PM #  

    guys! that’s why they are not letting you in the clubs!

    chill, anyway it just depends on the phase of the moon
    that night alesh. most are good places to go when your ready to go out. there are pros and cons for all and each one appeals to
    a different group of people. I try and make the best when
    I go out. if it’s not fun I go somewhere else. at least there
    are CHOICES.



  17. Manola Blablablanik    Wed Dec 13, 10:31 AM #  

    The majority of clubs suck and are full of bullshit hubris. I felt that way when I was “younger” and still do today, even though I’ve never been turned away.



  18. Biscayne Bystander    Thu Dec 14, 03:09 AM #  

    I refuse to patron any establishment enforcing a dick tax.



  19. Manola Blablablanik    Thu Dec 14, 01:29 PM #  

    BB, however unfortunately true, very funny way of putting it. It’s worse when you need a vajayjay attached to your arm to get in. I once had a total stranger insist on paying my cover and my friend’s as well as his at Nikki Beach ($60 retail value) only because they weren’t letting men in solo. Stupid discrimination bullshit message that says: room full of “free” women waiting for “paying” men. As long as people buy the candy, they’ll keep selling it.



  20. Boli-Nica    Fri Dec 15, 04:01 PM #  

    I will only wait in line if there is the enticement of free drinks, or some really, really hot lady is waiting for me on the inside.



  21. I was There    Fri Dec 15, 06:36 PM #  

    I spend most of the 1990s working in every club on South Beach. I had a company creating thematic installations utilizing film and slide projectors.
    All the south beach night clubs were disgusting in the daytime. Rats and roaches, backed up plumbing and vomit. Then they were transformed into Glitz and Glamor in the evening. I had to chase after sleaze bag promotors and club owners just to get paid…I never step foot in these places anymore and I resent how many of the art basel events resorted to the velvet rope and v.i.p. sub normal mentality. Night Clubs suck.



  22. Ex- South Beacher re Mynt    Mon Dec 18, 04:54 PM #  

    I once went up to the ropes of Mynt with a friend from NYC. He was/is one of the richest men in the world. He has made over $100 Mil a yr for many years. He has his own jet. Very nice clean polite well dressed guy. We were with 2 cute girls. 20’s model types. Thursday at maybe midnight. Mynt is empty. The idiot doorman in a tight T shirt asked my friend to show him a credit card. I think my friend had a black Amex card. The doorman looks it over for 2-3 minutes. Idiot. We went in, club was empty, and my friend never went back. I never recommended Mynt again.



  23. I was There    Tue Dec 19, 07:11 AM #  

    If I’m not mistaken Mynt was Groove Jet which was Boomerang before that and also countless other dumps….on 23rd Street. It is Definetly a rat infested cess pool during the day and a star studded V.I.P. Champange Dump in the wee hours.



  24. Ex- South Beacher re Mynt    Tue Dec 19, 11:20 AM #  

    “I was There” is mistaken. Mynt is the high end place for big egos located between the Townhouse and the Shore Club. It is on Collins Avenue. People wait in line mere inches from cars going north on Collins. Brain dead door idiots can kill a business. In fact, I believe Mynt did close and then reopen with new owners. I never went back.

    How about Space? Can you believe they charge people $40 admission, at 5:00 am? So people can get high? And they charge people $20 to park? No wonder young people live 3-5 in an apartment and they cannot save enough for deposits. They give all their money to clubs.