Monday February 27, 2006

Do you serve dogs here?

Contributed by Steve Klotz

Two measures before the Florida Leg (SB 1172 and HB 333) would allow dogs access to outdoor dining venues. Insofar as this measure strikes me as insane—I’m on my second dog, now, and keeping the drooling brute out of my face is a daily challenge, especially at meal time—I call my contact Ralph at the League for Canine Rights And Protection (“L-CRAP”) for something positive to write about it.

“People love their dogs,” says Ralph, simply. “They enjoy walking them, treating them like family, and taking them places. Outdoor dining is fun and sociable, just the sort of thing dog owners like doing with their dogs.”

Dogs smell like ass. They lick their crotches (so would I, if I could, but not out on the sidewalk). They put their noses in piles of shit. They drool. They carry fleas. They hump and foam on the closest object. Who wouldn’t want them close up and personal while they’re eating?

“Look, that’s what it means to be a dog. But they don’t do that all the time, and they don’t do that while they’re seated quietly by the table.”

They growl at people. They get underfoot. They bark. They whine. They get goofy when they see other dogs. Food drops, they lunge at it, barf it up, then re-eat it. Great floor show, bound to enhance one’s dining experience.

Ralph goes, “If I’m your dog I shit in your bed daily,” and hangs up.

Okay. I lose. People are gonna get their damn dogs at the restaurant, fine. But we need rules. First, they need to be leashed and kept on the floor at all times—the dogs AND the owners. No feeding the dogs: it’s disgusting to see and hear. The only thing worse is little kids, something else I’m rabidly against: in fact, I’d rather have the dogs. At least you can have them euthanized without a whole lot of paperwork.

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  1. Kent Standit    Mon Feb 27, 10:18 AM #  

    Dogs shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near restaurants unless they’re already dead and on the menu.

  2. Lois Terms    Mon Feb 27, 10:29 AM #  

    I agree. I don’t want to see a dog licking its be-shitted ass while I’m trying to enjoy a meal. I want to eat animals, not eat with them.

  3. Living Will    Mon Feb 27, 03:02 PM #  

    I call BULLSHIT. Nobody who actually has a dog thinks this way. It’s outrageous and insulting to dog owners, as well as to dogs. What are you, a cat?

  4. Miami Harold    Mon Feb 27, 08:19 PM #  

    Yo, Will: How does one insult a dog?

  5. Manola B    Mon Feb 27, 09:12 PM #  

    I’m outraged. This is clearly a discriminatory measure against stray mutts and homeless people who beg for food.

  6. merry    Mon Feb 27, 09:30 PM #  

    So, tell me… how is this different than what is occurring on South Beach? Or… does this just make it legal? ;) Also, I think on an average weekend day, there are more pets at breakfast at Deli Lane Cafe than there are waiters.

    P.S. If you get to bring your dog, I get to bring my cat.

  7. Kent Standit    Mon Feb 27, 09:55 PM #  

    See where this goes? First dogs, then cats, then parrots, roosters, unleashed kids,and the residentially challenged. Come one come all and drop feces in my food. I don’t invade cages in puppy mills, so why do dogs get to sit on my feet while I’m eating?

  8. Hugh Bris    Tue Feb 28, 10:25 AM #  

    The Koreans have the right idea. Dogs are a dietary staple over there. They put the beast in bistro. Curried cur. Hound Hallandaise. Mutt Loaf. Dan betcha those folks don’t march their dogs in unless it’s Bring Your Own Dog night.

  9. Keys Treasures    Tue Feb 28, 07:53 PM #  

    I can already hear my parrot yelling Discrimination! For more thoughts on this subject click on my name.

  10. Manola B    Wed Mar 1, 03:04 AM #  

    Hugh Bris, get a load of this! Now we’re talkin’ ... !

    “In fact, my first “weird meat” experience was in California. When I was in high school I had dinner at my friend’s house. They were a Vietnamese immigrant family, and I ate dog meat for the first time. It’s illegal to eat dog (and some other) meat in California, but California has a large immigrant population, so yes, some Californians eat dog.”

    quoted from:

  11. otis the chauffer    Wed Mar 1, 10:23 AM #  

    One of our favorite places in the Keys, got into a shitload of trouble over just this same issue.

    Last time we were there we noticed a sign, “Sorry, NO DOGS.” Of course M’Lady felt the need to question this change in policy, and was told there were two incidents. In the first a canine viscously maimed a small child; in the second two of the furry sweet cuties killed one of the establishments cats.

    Upon hearing this, M’Lady predictably exclaimed, THEY KILLED A CAT?!!!

    Now there goes a woman with her priorities in order.

    However, the parents of the maimed child somehow thought it necessary to sue the living crap out of the place, which wasn’t insured against injury due to killer dog packs. (My guess is most Florida restaurants also won’t be able to obtain this protection – law or no law.)

    But all was not lost. The eatery beat the lawsuit when it was wiped off the face of the earth by Hurricane Wilma. Don’t you just love stories with happy endings?