Friday February 24, 2006

Wipe out

Contributed by Steve Klotz

Crow told investigators that he and Matthews were arguing about the lack of toilet paper in Matthews’ bathroom. That led to Matthews grabbing a rifle and Crow arming himself with the handle of a sledgehammer, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

Crow knocked the gun out of Matthews’ hands and hit him eight times in the head with the sledgehammer’s handle, the Sheriff’s Office said.

Detectives said Crow then found a claw hammer and hit Matthews two more times in the head. He tossed the sledgehammer handle behind Matthews’ home and threw the other hammer into the woods, the Sheriff’s Office said.— South Florida Sun-Sentinel

The 2-man synod took place in the thriving cultural crossroads of Ocklawaha, Florida—right up there nearby Altoona, Weirsdale, and Fort McCoy—and the learned participants were gentlemen in their middle 50’s.

“Y’all cain’t imagine how upset people can git over toilet paper in these-here parts,” commented one neighbor, who gave only the name “Mr. Whipple.” “Lotsa ole-timers jest resent even thinkin’ about it. They been usin’ corncobs like their daddies and grandaddies afore ‘em, and to hell with anybody else!”

Bail has been denied for Crow, currently held in an abandoned outhouse behind the Sheriff’s office.

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  1. Manola B    Fri Feb 24, 02:53 PM #  

    Hmm … you’ve tapped into Cracker Florida. Remnants of our wild west pioneer past.

    Two friends of mine, a gay guy and a straight girl—both cosmpolitan Miamites originally from the Northeast who are very Will & Grace— wanted to attend a Mustang show somewhere in the Florida “scaries” ... (as opposed to “straits” ... ) they said, “oh, we’ll stop by and grab a bite to eat, and I said, uh … I don’t think you should, trust me. Well, there they were. Walked into a BBQ place, everything went hush and they shat in their pants. “Uh, we need to get out of here.”

    Another friend of mine is an EMT and frequently gets calls from a migrant farmer town near Naples. Very scary place. It is a Dantesque hell where immigrants live in a lawless community. She often tells me she admires me for having a writing career. I tell her, no, I admire you for scraping bodies off the sidewalk and risking your life to help those less fortunate.

    There are some very interesting places out there. Drive down Tamiami Trail to the Everglades Loop Road. Years ago, there used to be a trailer home just before the entrance to the road, with a hanging noose in the yard. Nice touch! Don’t think Martha Stewart was responsible for the decor.

  2. Mister E    Fri Feb 24, 03:29 PM #  

    “Wild West pioneer past,” Manola? Don’t think the Indian wars were fought over Charmin’ squeezers. This sounds more like the aftermath to WipeBack Mountain.

  3. Manola B    Fri Feb 24, 04:35 PM #  

    After you’ve been camping in Everglades Nat Park, looking for Mr. Watson’s legendary ghost, believe me, among the mosquito-infested shell mounds, you’d do anything for an out-house and toilet paper!

  4. The Python    Fri Feb 24, 05:10 PM #  

    Hey Manola: Let me know when you’re coming back to Everglades Park. And bring the other one from your photo with you. I’m hungry.

  5. Mr. Whipple    Fri Feb 24, 09:05 PM #  

    Don’t squeeze the Charmin!

  6. Hollywood Urbanite    Sun Feb 26, 12:12 AM #  

    I’m scootin like a dog on a rug. This article just slays me. We recently had a TP tragedy in our household; low an behold whats the first thing that comes to my mind? Hey, I need to get me a claw hammer. Yep that’ll make things all better. HU

  7. otis the chauffer    Mon Feb 27, 12:00 PM #  

    Up here in South Philly we kill each other over parking spaces when it snows. I guess toilet paper is as good a reason as any, poor snow-deprived pussies that you are.