Thursday January 12, 2006

Squeezed out

[Contributed by Steve Klotz]

There’s no evidence supporting the theory the citrus canker
eradication program was finally yanked because of Critical Miami and other hyeniform screaming from south Florida consumers. No, as noted previously, this had everything to do with growers themselves finally getting boned.

But with the plug finally pulled on arboreal assassinations, the mood in Tallahassee is wistful, not sad.

“We got better’n ten good years outta this,” declares Secretary of Agriculture Charles Bronson (no relation to the deceased chisel-faced actor). “And collected $36 Million in USDA funds this year alone. ‘Tween us at state and the feds, we spread over $500 Million around. That’s damn good work!”

“And the only ones real pissed off are those rat bastards down
south,” gloats Snarla, his admin assistant. “Every time we squeezed their nuts, the rest of the state sent fruit baskets and thank-yous!”

“A real triumph for the Governor,” says Bronson, gleefully. “Shame to give up the gravy train—all told we were gonna pour about $1.5 Billion of public funds into friendly pockets over the next cuppla years—but we did plenty. We made our people happy, and screwed the rest. And if that ain’t that what a government’s for, I don’t know why the Christ we have one.”

Officially, the state blames the last two years of hurricanes for blowing canker spores all over hell and creation. Prostitutes masquerading as researchers still spew the weird science supporting the destruction of any healthy tree within a 1900-foot radius of an infected one, but say the disease is now too widespread. This is known as “fabricating plausible deniability.”

Residents whose trees were destroyed shouldn’t anticipate finding replacements any time soon: it will be at least two years
before new trees can be planted, and an edible crop takes
another five. “Keep your can openers handy,” advises Bronson,
happily. “And make sure you bring lots of money when you shop for Florida citrus products!”

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  1. Sal & Sol    Thu Jan 12, 05:15 PM #  

    Plant citrus trees up and down the median strip of the turnpike. Plant them around government buildings in Tallahassee and the lawn of the governor’s mansion. Plant them in the end zone of Dolphins Stadium where nobody will disturb ‘em for a few more years (nyah nyah hah). Let the industry foot the bill for their care and feeding, and give the fruit to the the Salvation Army to distribute. Somebody needs to show these rat bastards what it means to act responsibly and give back what’s taken, cuz it ain’t gonna happen on their watch.

  2. john    Thu Jan 12, 05:42 PM #  

    The South American neo commie representatives at the WTO are responsible for this. They don’t want us to allow subsidies to all the great growers like Katherine “Kitty Kat” Harris to make up for our self imposed problems. If we can’t use guvmint money to ruin a product(and funnel money to industry) and then use guvmint money to give to industry because of loss of that product and THEN subsidize prices so competitors can’t sell cheaper in our markets I don’t know what capitalism is.

  3. Merkin    Fri Jan 13, 10:19 AM #  

    The whole set-up is a sick joke, from the destruction of private property using the public’s own funds to pay well-connected contractors like Ass-PlungeTree Decimators, to the corporate welfare that subsidizes over-production of product and keeps other nations’ cheaper products from our markets.

    If there’s too much citrus produced in Florida for the market forces to work properly, growers should get out of the business and sell their land to developers to build housing for the millions of people who want to live in Florida: retiring northerners, immigrants, and children of natives looking to start afresh.

    Win-Win. That’s the Merkin way.

  4. Neil    Fri Jan 13, 02:28 PM #  

    Now you’re showing disrespect to American capitalism? Y’all are going to hell. ALL y’all.

  5. Art Carnage    Fri Jan 13, 03:17 PM #  

    Sorry to see the end of that law. Then again, I hate citrus.