Monday January 9, 2006

Head for Sure

[Contributed by Steve Klotz]

Reliable sources have reported body parts turning up in some unorthodox locations throughout the region, the most unnerving of which is the floating head in Jupiter inlet. Turns out that this sort of thing goes on often enough that the state has an entire department established to investigate these incidents and coordinate with local law enforcement and environmental authorities. So I dutifully place a call, and get the usual “off the record don’t quote me” official to dish.

For background, I ask him a little about the department itself.

“Bureau of Parts and Wrecks really got going in the 30’s,” he says. “Before that, we mostly pulled bodies outta the water after boating accidents. But back when South Florida was teeming with racketeers murdering one another, body parts were found all over the place, and somebody needed to put them together just to keep track of who was dead or alive.”

That doesn’t happen any more?

“Oh, it still happens, but people are a lot more thorough these days. What with technology like wood chippers, explosives, etc., there ain’t a whole lot left over. And with paved roads all the way through the Everglades, it’s easy take a nice ride out, dump your prey, and let nature take over in a matter of hours.”

So what’s with the head floating in Jupiter Inlet?

“You mean Bob? We’re pretty sure there wasn’t any foul play with that one. No evident trauma at all. Maybe just an unfortunate boat person got ate by a shark and had his head horked up.”

Charming. Guess you got a lot of grisly tales to tell.

“Nah, not so bad. Mostly hands with the fingerprints burned off, occasional femur, bone chips in backyard gardens, ears. We got a whole freezer unit fulla ears. We call it the cornfield. Heh-heh-heh.”

Yeah, heh-heh-heh. When he offers to show me around if I ever get up that way, I beg off. I also skip lunch.

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  1. Rollo Nickels    Mon Jan 9, 08:37 PM #  

    “Horked up.” If it was a killer whale, would that be “orca-ed up”?

  2. The Python    Mon Jan 9, 08:39 PM #  

    Yeah, bring ‘em on. Rather have fresh-killed body parts than those damn stubborn gators that won’t go down in one gulp.

  3. Mister E    Mon Jan 9, 09:54 PM #  

    Hmmm. I own a wood chipper, but I can’t say I ever used it for purposes described here. I guess I’m just sane.

  4. Jimmy Hoffa    Mon Jan 9, 10:03 PM #  

    “Parts and Wrecks,” huh? Youse don’t wanna find me, funny guy.

  5. things we don't need to know    Tue Jan 10, 11:23 AM #  

    thanks for grossing everybody out!

  6. Hose B    Tue Jan 10, 08:09 PM #  

    How does this impact the wet foot/dry foot policy? If a Cuban immigrant’s foot washes up on shore (as opposed to a disconnected bridge in the Keys) is it eligible for amnesty? If it’s scooped up by a fishing boat, does the Department of Parts and Wrecks send it back to Uncle Fido? Suppose the foot is still lodged in the mouth? Oh, the complexities of a democratic government.

  7. John Waters    Tue Jan 10, 09:22 PM #  

    Gross? This ain’t gross. Gross is when you kiss your grandpa good night and he slips you the tongue.