Tuesday December 27, 2005

Cold Pussy

[Contributed by Steve Klotz]

The next person who tells me how refreshing this weather is gets a punch in the mouth. Here’s a friendly, seasonal suggestion: If you like it cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra, get the hell back to Canada. I-95 is a 2-way street. Take this icy bitter shit with you and drop it in some ‘Nuck’s Christmas stocking.

It was ‘way too cold for Guido last night, so she off she goes to bed early to huddle under the cranked-to-the-max electric blanket, covered by a thick comforter. Her evil pride of felines sprawl majestically over her, hogging the heat; one up on her head, one between her knees, a particularly foul critter reclined on my side of the bed. The beast glares at me venomously, daring me to uproot its furry ass. Ha! I subtly distract it with a well-aimed kick to the anus, and he’s airborne, howling like hell’s harpies. He’s back in minutes to climb on my chest, a ploy to make me think he’s forgiving and affectionate when in fact, at 17 pounds, he’s trying to suffocate me.

This kind of crap doesn’t go on when the nighttime temperature in my house stays up in the 90s where it belongs. Without air
conditioning, you can’t buy a glimpse of a cat in the bedroom:
they’re hugging the terrazzo floor, sucking for oxygen like de-bowled guppies. Good kitty! Lie down! Roll over! Gasp for breath!

And I’m babysitting blogmeister Alesh’s kitten, too, while our hero gallivants around Prague. So far Sophie has destroyed 2
lampshades, 3 plants rooting in tall wine bottles, and the dog’s starboard nostril. Cold weather energizes animals, the poor dumb brutes. That’s why humans are on top of the food chain. We’re smarter . . .

. . . except for all you short-pantsed and sandaled smile buttons
with your insipid, “Dontcha just love this break in the weather hyuk-hyuk-urk-urk-ooga-ooga?” small talk. No, fuckweed, I don’t. I may be a bloody orchid, but I’m more evolved than you, alright? Give me heat, give me humidity, give me sunshine that melts asphalt. That’s what south Florida is for, dammit. I sure didn’t move here for the culture, educational opportunities, or friendly people. Or the hyperactive cats.

comments powered by Disqus
  1. Salomon    Tue Dec 27, 01:46 PM #  

    Leave the inane posts to alesh. You, as a guest writer, are held to a higher standard.

  2. Tanya Hyde    Tue Dec 27, 02:26 PM #  

    Give me heat, give me humidity, give me sunshine that melts asphalt.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. If it’s not a beach day, it’s a bitch day!

  3. alesh    Tue Dec 27, 05:17 PM #  

    Yikes: “down, Sophie!”

    It was six degrees above freezing on Monday, about 1 degree above today, and promises to be colder every day ‘till friday. This with intermittent snow. Hot garlic soup never tasted so good.

  4. mkh    Tue Dec 27, 05:55 PM #  

    Ah, blow it out your stamen, Orchid Boy. Maybe I’m a lower form of primate, but I like the cold so much I had the windows open in my house last night.

    Damn, Alesh, hot garlic soup? That sounds great. I’m going to head off to Google for a recipe right now.

  5. Gypsy Ed Romany    Tue Dec 27, 08:07 PM #  

    Not since my Hungarian grandmother was called home to hell have I had decent garlic soup, but I’ll tell you what I do to imitate it, fast and easy. Start with any brand of Raman soup—comes in a pouch—and squeeze into the boiling water at least half a head (not a little clove: a full head!) of fresh garlic. Add cracked black pepper. Boil for 5 minutes. That’s it. Clears the head, warms the belly, even takes the wrinkles out of the dick. Not that my grandmother would care about that. Especially now.

  6. Franklin    Wed Dec 28, 07:04 AM #  

    Something about the weather hitting freezing now and again gets some damn sense into peoples’ heads – you have to adjust, accomodate, and accept that you don’t sit at the center of the universe. That last bit, especially, would come as news to a lot of Miamians.

    The reason Miami has such a poor intellectual life is because people don’t have to spend prolonged amounts of time in their homes, thus being subjected to their own company, and obliged to become interesting to themselves: reading, thinking, creating.

  7. Kent Standit    Wed Dec 28, 09:27 AM #  

    Sure, Franklin, that adds up. Cold climate explains the hordes of geniuses and intellectuals occupying the frozen cities and roaming the icy plains of Wyoming, Montana, and that bastion of White Pride, Idaho. They’re huddled in their houses, thinking deep thoughts, creating great art. The opposite holds as well, right: Southern California’s balmy weather exposes the dearth of intellectual and creative activity at UCLA, Berkeley, and USC. And we wring our hands over cultureless desert cities like Sedona and Santa Fe. Yep, took me a while to get it, but then, evidently I haven’t inhaled as much as paint thinner as yourself.

  8. Miami Harold    Wed Dec 28, 11:08 AM #  

    I tend to shut down in cold weather,not ramp up.

    I do my best creative work—writing, music, having sex—while sweating voluminously and freely.

    That’s why I’m here in Florida.

    But to each his own (and the rest, Go Home!)

  9. Franklin    Wed Dec 28, 11:41 AM #  

    Sedona, Santa Fe, and Berkeley get cold. Whatever. Half of you anonymous commenters are the same person anyway. I’m out.

  10. ummm    Wed Dec 28, 12:54 PM #  

    nice post…about weather.

  11. onajide    Wed Dec 28, 10:42 PM #  

    It’s not cold yet. When water freezes, it’s cold. If not, it’s not cold. That, however, doesn’t mean I’ll wear shorts at 40 degrees but, I know the difference between cold, chilly and cool. Chilly raises goose bumps (chill bumps) on my arms, just in case you really wanted to know.

  12. Merkin    Thu Dec 29, 10:39 AM #  

    It’s all relative. I’ve worked in desert heat with the index near 130; at night 75 felt like icicles on the testicles. And lookit the fat naked Canadians frollicking in the ocean off Hollywood this week when it’s 50—to them it felt toasty. Old story.

    Franklin—I don’t buy the broad statement, but you’re onto something. In my experience, sun -baked brains just aren’t as sharp as frozen ones.

  13. Denise    Thu Dec 29, 05:39 PM #  

    Tsk, tsk, Franklin. A rap on your knuckles for relegating a whole boatload of warm locales with pretty rigorous intellectual traditions to Intellectual Wastelandia. That’s just a goofy generalization. What about all the time South Floridians spend holed up in their houses worshipping the A/C in the summer? Don’t you remember that whole “wow, the power outages during Wilma got us out of our houses and talking to our neighbors!” phenomenon? (And this isn’t an anonymous post!)

  14. john    Fri Dec 30, 10:58 AM #  

    PS- Alesh, turns out that it was the late Arthur Teele that authored that crack about transit before he came to Miami, when he worked in the Reagan administration. Irony.

  15. Mister E    Wed Jan 4, 10:25 AM #  

    Gonna be r-e-a-l cold this weekend. Guess us Miami victims with PILS (Poor Intellectual Life Syndrome) have a shot at a stray creative thought or two. Denise: tell Franklin to put on his thinking cap and join us.