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Wednesday November 9, 2005
Strike thrower / strike breaker / flame thrower
[Contributed by Steve Klotz]
Former Florida Marlins relief pitcher Ugueth Urtain Urbina has traded his seat in the bullpen for a small jail cell in his native Venezuela, where he and his family own large tracts of land. Five agricultural workers claim Urbina tied them up, beat them with a machete and set fire to one of them after dousing him with gasoline.
It’s not the first example of employee/employer strife between the Urbinas and their labor force. Last year the pitcher’s aged mother was abducted and held for ransom by (allegedly) kidnappers hired by labor unionists. However, as the kidnappers themselves, since arrested, were not dues-paying members of the nation’s Kidnapping Union, ulterior motives are suggested. Like money.
The Urbina family, including brothers Umbilical, Unctious, Usufruct, and Unguantine have denied the allegations, and counter-filed papers allegedly criminal misconduct against the agricultural union represented on the family’s vast holdings. “If Ugueth had really used a machete on those bastards, they’d be sliced chorizo by now,” sneered Usury Urbina, a family cousin and their legal counsel. “Not whining about a few slashes and burn scars.”
The pitcher was instrumental in carrying the Marlins to their World Series championship in 2003, serving as the team’s closer. In 2005 he split his season between the Detroit Tigers and Philadelphia Phillies. He was known for a blazing fastball and cutting slider—ironic, considering the current charges of burning and slashing.
Labor relations in oil-producing Venezuela generally have been particularly stormy as world prices have fluctuated wildly, and markets are perceived as wide open. Unions clamor for a greater share of record profits, while ownership claims widespread sabotage and looting of facilities. Gunfire through the night and burning buildings are commonplace, and local media, infamous for sensationalist reporting, feature daily stories with lurid photos detailing police beatings, muggings, vandalism, and murder. “It’s one reason why Ugie felt so comfortable in Miami, Detroit, and Philadelphia,” commented Uric Utensil Urbina, the pitcher’s uncle. “It was so much like home.”
The Philadelphia Phillies have already noted that Urbina’s future with them is doubtful. “However, we could have used him here last week during the transit strike,” grumbled one frustrated commuter.
Told he probably wouldn’t be in a Phillies uniform next season, Urbina replied, “Uniform? Is she one of my cousins, too?”
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This post is way wack, and has nothing to do with Miami. Besides, who’s named “Ugueth” let alone “Unctious”?
Shit. And they call me “invasive.”
So Senora Urbina’s abductors weren’t members of the Kidnappers’ Union? No wonder they fucked up and got nabbed. You want quality work at an honest price, you stick with the union. Scabs eat shit. So to speak.