Monday November 7, 2005


[Contributed by Steve Klotz]

“A cruise ship owned by a Miami-based Carnival subsidiary was attacked by pirates off the coast of Africa.” Miami Herald, Sunday

No, they didn’t have scabbards, parrots, and peg legs, although they might as well have. This was not your father’s pirate ship. They had machine guns and rocket-grenades, and they actually tried to board the luxury liner from a pair of 25-foot inflatable rafts, but that wasn’t enough. A spokesman for the company pointed out that crew members are trained to “stop intruders” from gaining access to ships.

“After all,” she noted, “many of our ships originate in the Port of Miami, where some of the rudest, most aggressive passengers in the world swarm like fruit flies. If our crews keep those people in line—what’s the big deal about armed, murderous pirates?”

The identity of the pirates has not been established. One crew member, pointing out that the attack came before dawn, suggested they might have been Japanese, but this nauseating racist speculation could not be confirmed.

The battle lasted about 10 minutes. Passengers, mostly Americans and many from Miami, were relocated to a central ballroom, away from danger. Nobody was injured, but Morris Greenstein, 112, from Miami Shores, complained loudly about missing his breakfast seating. “Pirates, Shmirates!! I take these cruises for the food, like everybody else,” he said, angrily. “Why the hell else would you get on a ship like this? They couldn’t spare a cook and a baker and setup the buffet line? Miserable bastard sonsofbitches! Where’s my food? I want my food! Where the hell’s my goddam food?”

Out of danger, the ship’s captain ordered complimentary Captain Morgan’s Rum for everybody interested, but at 7 am, only the crew indulged. The current location of the ship is not available.

[See all Articles by Steve]

Update: Holy smokes! Some news outlets are now reporting that a weird sonic weapon was used by the ship to fight off the pirates.

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  1. Kent Standit    Mon Nov 7, 11:51 AM #  

    I thought Carnival’s cruise ships were in New Orleans, raping the hurricane recovery budget. Maybe those “pirates” were US agents trying to capture evidence. Were they wearing suits and ties and corny dark glasses?

  2. Tanya Hyde    Mon Nov 7, 11:55 AM #  

    Pirates are sexy. Great suntans. I’d love to see them captured and flogged like in the old days. Forty lashes! Yeah!

  3. J. Tiberius Kirk    Mon Nov 7, 11:32 PM #  

    That “weird sonic noise” is actually a digitally mastered recording of elderly female passengers whining about the poor selection of desserts on the midnight buffet.

  4. Marky D    Mon Nov 7, 11:40 PM #  

    Forty lashes? Now we’re talking!! And bring on the red hot irons!