Friday September 30, 2005

Pack Your Heat for The Sunshine State!

[Contributed by Steve Klotz]

Okay, it ain’t New Years Eve, and you’re not Latin. Nevertheless, it would be entirely appropriate to step outside at midnight tonight and discharge a firearm into the Great Beyond. Wherefore, you ask?

Because tomorrow—Oct 1, 2005—Florida’s “Shoot First” law takes effect. This is the new provision that allows ordinary Joes and Jose’s like you and me to draw our weapons and blow away lowlives who threaten our lives and property. We no longer have the legal obligation to run, duck, or wait for the first shot. The law allows us to behave proactively.

Anybody remember Bernard Goetz? Around Christmas, 1984, Goetz shot four thugs who were hassling him in a subway train full of passengers. It would have been his third mugging, and he wasn’t having it. He was acquitted of everything but discharging a weapon in public, and spent 250 days in jail.

“A conservative is a liberal what’s been mugged.”—Frank Rizzo, former Mayor and Police Commissioner, Philadelphia

Not everybody is happy with this Wild West approach. Strangely enough, not everybody believes, as Marion Hammer, president of Unified Sportsmen of Florida and former NRA president states, that “An armed society is a polite society.” The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence plans to hand out flyers at airports and purchase billboards throughout the state warning tourists about avoiding confrontations with the trigger-happy goobers for which Florida is justly famous. “Do not argue unnecessarily with local people,” cautions the Brady Bunch. Hell—isn’t that the reason people retire to Florida to begin with?

Special concerns have been raised about so-called Road Rage. Come October 1, the meaning of an elevated third finger flashed at motorists changes from “Fuck You!” to “Shoot Me!” But the thinking behind the law is that rather than raising the rate of lead poisoning incidents in the state, it will serve as a gigantic traffic calmer. (And we know how well those work in South Florida.)

When Governor Bucktooth signed the bill into law during the last legislative session, he dismissed the prospect of casual, widespread shootings. “It’s a good, commonsense, anti-crime issue,” he stated. “Why should the dregs of society enjoy the upper hand? You threaten somebody, you pay for it. Why, if this law had been on the books when Terry Schiavo was under attack, she’d be alive today!”

Florida’s tourist industry—20% of the state’s economy—has joined with law enforcement agencies at every level to decry the provision as assenine. But who listens to these testicularly challenged spoilsports? Yeah, that’s a gun in my pocket, and I’m not happy to see you.

[See all Articles by Steve]

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  1. 6gun    Fri Sep 30, 04:18 PM #  

    Okay, not to dis anybody, but I always thought that shooting into the air to celebrate New Year’s and July 4 was a black thing, not a latino thing. I had a black friend who lived in Liberty City, and she and her family used to spend those holidays in the Marriott on US1 down by Dadeland to avoid getting rained on by stray bullets. Correct me if I’m wrong.

  2. cannon    Fri Sep 30, 05:23 PM #  

    your wrong. Pop guns in the ghetto or ak47’s in hialeah, where would you rather take your chances?

  3. PETA    Fri Sep 30, 05:50 PM #  

    if you try and shoot a duck I’ll shoot you first, cowboy.

  4. The Daily Sketch    Mon Oct 3, 09:23 AM #  

    Slowly Miami starts making it’s way back into the most violent city on earth.

  5. pong    Mon Oct 3, 07:30 PM #  

    Terry Schiavo what? wtf

    god, i hate these people…