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Wednesday August 31, 2005

Won't get FPL'd again

[Contributed by Steve Klotz]

I didn’t need to call my contact Boob at FPL this time—the sucker called me. He was in full gloat mode, too.

“Two million people in South Florida without power simultaneously,” he crows. “We broke our all-time record!”

Right, Boob. America salutes you.

“Several hundred thousand households were taken off-line hours before the storm,” he squeals. “This was a brilliant policy our top managers developed at our strategic meeting in Barbados last spring (which we charged off in expenses). Why wait for power to fail? We just flick a switch and save all those pesky trouble calls!”

Makes me wonder why you bother to provide power at all, Boob.

“After last time, we calculated that we wasted hours and hours of manpower time answering the phone and listening to customers report outages, or complain about trivial shit like rotting food in their houses and sparking wires on their lawns and streets. Like we actually give a rat’s ass. So we put word out this time that customers didn’t need to send in reports about outages: we could tell from our own offices. And it worked!

“Didja see all those media releases about the thousands and thousands of workers we have working 18 hour shifts?” he goes on. And on. “How linesmen and tree trimmers and phone answerers from 25 different power companies all over the country are helping? We wrote those last May! They’re pure bullshit! We just cooked ‘em up, sent ‘em to the grammar spinners, and kept ‘em ready for the first little old storm!”

And it was a little storm, Boob. A Category 1. Fills me with confidence.

“At the same time, we wrote up fables about how FPL works harder and longer to get everybody”s power back. We set easy-to-reach goals and then brag how we beat our own hokey timetable! The thinking is, keep the public’s eye off management of the power grid, and create sympathy for the poor bastards out in the wind and rain climbing poles; risking their asses for the public! Ha ha! We’re so fucking brilliant! Brilliant!”

I ask Boob for the millionth time why the hell FPL runs an antiquated, fragile power grid in the most storm-prone and lightning invested geographical area of the nation.

“Same reason a dog licks his balls,” he hoots. “Because we can. And because nobody important wants us to change, and because everybody we give a shit about makes money. What—simply because we provide your power like this is a third-world nation, you forgot this is America?”

[See all Articles by Steve]

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  1. The Daily Sketch    Wed Aug 31, 11:47 AM #  

    Great article…really hit a spot with me. I happen to have a friend who’s power went out 4 hours before landfall. Now I know why.

  2. MisterE    Wed Aug 31, 01:33 PM #  

    Okay, it’s all exaggerated; all leg-pull nudge-nudge, right? I mean, there’s no Boob of FPL and this conversation never happened, okay? So why does this sound so plausible? How come I believe it? Maybe because I’ve had 2 dozen power outages since the sumer began? And because FPL’s media releases are so slick-sounding and rehearsed and self-serving? Thinking it over, I’m scared. I’m angry, and I’m fucking scared.

  3. Hugh Bris    Thu Sep 1, 08:52 AM #  

    And now they’re warning us to “conserve.” Like we’re wasting the power we don’t even have, and can barely aford when we do. I swear if these knuckle-draggers were running the military, they’d be telling us to get our wagons in a circle.

  4. Brook    Thu Sep 1, 10:40 AM #  

    The Dorsch Gallery has been trying to get an answer from FPL’s Buisness unit – regarding Grid-tie Systems – for over a year now and they just don’t return the calls. Seems like they don’t want the public to break away from being dependent on FPL. Best resource is www.homepower.com

  5. SCHWINNCOLL    Thu Sep 8, 08:45 AM #  

    FPL = FUCKING PEOPLE AND LOVING IT! We went without power for 2-1/2 days in Dania Beach. The inlaws right next door to us never lost power at all. Explain that Bob! Each day I come home to find my pool is turned off by the FPL GODS. They have control over my AC, Water Heater and Pool Pump. Now, if they fuck with my AC I will disconnect their contraption from the pump and fuck with them. Next thing you know Mr Klotz, they will be coming to your house and insisting you install Cental AC in your entire home. You crazy Philth-adelthian. Yes I just drove through your hometown area. Looked actually pretty good. Not as bad as the Bronx. What a dump that place was on I-95.

  6. Boob from FPL    Thu Sep 8, 02:30 PM #  

    Terribly and sincerely sorry you were without power for 2 ½ days. We are experts in offering apologies, wasn’t that a good one?

    It is surprising that the house next door retained service throughout the same period; our policy is to shut off all service throughout a neighborhood before storms (and other miscellaneous conditions), ensuring even-handed inconvenience and misery throughout. Possibly your neighbor monkeyed with our equipment! We will investigate with an eye toward prosecuting for a criminal offense, and we do press charges often. Are they elderly? Better yet.

    I’m delighted you’re using FPL for many household conveniences, including AC, pool, water heater, etc. Please consider your next purchase: an official FPL Electric Chair (Ted Bundy model). Perfect for Christmas! And your equipment-tampering in-laws next door!

    Once again, thank you for using FPL (like you have a choice). We Got The Power, and You Don’t!

  7. Schwinncoll    Fri Sep 9, 05:31 AM #  

    Hey Boob…Fuck you… hehehehehehehehehehehehe

  8. Boob From FPL    Fri Sep 9, 08:00 AM #  

    And by the way, Schwinkle, thanks for the tip on the equipment-tampering household. As is our policy, we’ll be sending you a reward check for your public-spirited whistle blowing. As you know, stealing power from FPL is stealing from everybody—but especially from our stockholders and executive management.

    Power To The People (of FPL!)

  9. SCHWINNCOLL    Fri Sep 9, 09:43 AM #  

    Boob or should I say Steve. FPL will be over to make you install central AC in your entire house soon! As for finding my house, there is no way for you to do it.

  10. MadamE    Mon Sep 12, 09:15 PM #  

    Bob, is that you! When are you coming home! Little Boob misses you dearly. But he has had fun monopolizing the new Bundy lectric chair whoohooo what a jolt! Course can’t say the same for my lectric curlers. Oh damn, them lites when out again. Oh well guess you’ll find me neked in the dark… again…

  11. Sy Attica    Tue Sep 13, 02:59 PM #  

    Why, if FPL is the lectric company, do they give me gas?