Monday April 25, 2005
[Contributed by Steve Klotz]
We all saw the delightful headline:
Florida’s Supreme Court ruled that
$100 worth of Wal-Mart garden shop certificates
insufficiently compensate homeowners for the loss
of a citrus tree in connection with citrus canker infestation.
Duh. Really? I mean, it requires a Supreme Court,
even in a back-asswards state system like Florida, to determine this?
As much fertilizer as the citrus industry uses on its fields and trees,
it has spread even greater shitloads defending the practice
of removing private citizens’ trees to save its sorry thorned ass.
For example, while steadfastly maintaining that citrus canker renders the fruit
so unsightly that it loses its market viability,
the industry omits mentioning that most of the Florida crop ends up as juice, anyway—sold not for its cosmetic appeal but its yield.
But my favorite is the enforceable 1900 foot citrus canker limit
The Aggies won the right to remove any healthy tree
within 1900 feet of an infected one based on a study
it knows is legitimate because it paid good money to get it,
and knew Tallahassee goobers would buy it
because it would screw primarily south Floridians.
It sounds like alchemy to me, or elementary wiccinism,
but following years of litigation with the industry emerging victorious,
its cheers were drowned out only by the sound of chainsaws firing up once more.
So here’s my solution.
Step away from the trees! Get out of my back yard!
Drive your crews of arboreal assassins up to the commercial groves you want to protect
and tear out a 1900 foot trench from the outermost edge.
There. You’re safe from citrus canker,
and all the uninfected trees in south Florida are safe from you.
Yeah it cost you money but that’s the cost of doing business—your business, not mine, and not non-commercial tree-owners.
You squeeze the fruit.
We’ll take our chances.